Just when I was starting to feel more optimistic and hopeful with my current life, I find myself, tonight, sulking underneath the warmth of my thick comforter. I am back to square one, once again.

The lack of color has already been engulfed by grays; not a trace of the rainbow left. I had such little to confide with here and today I learn that the very little I've got is slowly being pulled away from me too. Everyone in my family has someone outside the shelter of this cork-board box. Dad has his co-workers, Mom has her PTA, my sisters have their classmates, and all our neighbors are of their age group but mine. Never ever in my life have I felt such excruciating pain and severe loneliness. And as much as I'd want to stop feeling like so, I just can't help it. I want to stop 'cause I don't want my parents to worry about me. I want to stop because I don't want my sisters to feel sad or bad for me. I want to stop 'cause I don't want to give anyone a hard time but I just CAN'T.

My life here is so constricted hence, there isn't much that I nor my family could do to help me through this phase. To deliberately hurt or kill myself would lead to my loved ones' grief and that would only make things worse for all of us, so now, all I can do is cry and pray.

It's been four months since I moved and I have to admit that I'm surprised that I still haven't lost it -yet. Four months of idle living, hardly a social life, basically just spending each and everyday doing chores and running errands with my Mom -I won't deny it, my dear friend. That's how my life has been for the past four months. I cannot say that I am having the time of my life because, apparently, I'm not. I will not say I am devastated because, well, surprisingly, I am not. Am I satisfied? -Yes. Am I lonely as hell? -Yes. Am I still sane? -Thank God.

Re-building your life in an absolute foreign place is even harder than I imagined. It's not just moving your belongings, organizing and decorating your house/room, nor is it just adjusting to a different timezone. It's trying to adapt to a totally different lifestyle, trying to understand and embrace the many diverse cultures that surround you, trying to network and socialize, and being understanding of others no matter how absurd they seem to be. But most of all, it's being patient with time and yourself.

Life is severely difficult, but I am not giving up. For my Mom, my Dad, and most specially my sisters, I will stand tall and stay strong because they need me. I will stay healthy, I will stay sane, I will try to be productive and I will be extremely patient just for them, and of course, you. However, please do forgive me when I cry for some nights I cannot help but break down. I am a mere human like yourself. I am strong but sometimes I become weak too. For you, however, I WILL be strong because it's the only way I could ever thank you. I would've recorded a video or written a song to tell you how thankful I am, or I would've at least dropped a little note; but then I thought that the best way I could thank you is to show you how well you've taught me.

So here I am, smiling at the thought of you; smiling because you told me to; smiling for you. I will be good, I will stay healthy and I will stay sane. I will be strong and I will be patient. I will endure whatever challenge that will come my way and I will embrace each and every second of this life. I vow to this for my family, my best friends, and for you. I hope to serve as a tiny inspiration for you, just as you've become one for me.

It's amazing how big a difference one can make.

One missing page in a book can leave you immensely baffled 'til the end of the plot.
One shade of foundation lighter than your actual tone can make you look like a rejected geisha (or, for pinoys, espasol) -making you the butt of the day's jokes.
One shoe size short and your toes will throb all week.
One more pinch of salt can ruin tonight's dinner.
One drop of blood can give you AIDS.
One kiss can lead to many things.
One glass more can cost your criminal record (or worse -your life).
One puff can get you hooked.
One wrong digit and you've called your neighbor's husband's mistress' brother's dog's new owner.
One word can make your heart race.
One witty line can spark a great friendship (or relationship).
One grammatical error could mess up one's main point.
One note wrong and you ruin the entire song.
One minute late and you've missed what would have been the greatest deal in your career.
One splash of color can brighten up the dullest of rooms.
One cough can kill thousands.
One prayer can save millions.

One small act, one miniscule detail, one minor error -all it takes is ONE to make the most dramatic change, the biggest difference, the greatest blessing in life.

Today, my Mom and I ventured out to fulfill some medical requirements. We got ourselves vaccinated and I got mine for free because I am still seventeen, making me a minor. I turn eighteen tomorrow. That's a couple of a hundred bucks worth -that's a couple of a hundred bucks saved. Just one day saved me funds for my future.


P.S.
I had 5 vaccines today. T_T ouch...